I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
