So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
