Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
