Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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