My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
did i walk over a car last night?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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