I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
