I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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