Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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