i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
