'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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