That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
