i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
