The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
