mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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