I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
