This is not my ceiling
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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