Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
