remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
