i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
worst night to have a conscience
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
