i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
