Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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