You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
