saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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