I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
