I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
