Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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