I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
