remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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