she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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