I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
