I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
