I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
