If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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