Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
