I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
