The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
