I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
