The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
