Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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