i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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