you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
