Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
