My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
