Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
