he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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