He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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