My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Randomize
