Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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