I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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