you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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