He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
