kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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