just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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