I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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