Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
